Narcissists Have No Reason To Change

From his point of view the narcissist experiences himself/herself as a living work of art, a perfect replica of an extraordinary human being, The flaws, frailties and failures belong to others. The narcissist looks down on everyone,---his spouses, siblings, children, colleagues, "best" friends. High level narcissists, those who live in the rarefied air of celebrity and high visibility and influence,are venerated by their circles of admirers. They are making lots of money, receiving an abundance of praise and adulation. they are sought after as special individuals. I frequently speak with ex-spouses of narcissists, mainly women (a few men) who continue to blame themselves for a failed marriage. Some of them know that their husband was a narcissist and were victims of his cruel malignant games and betrayals and yet they are incapable of letting go. For some, it is the lifestyle. Even though most of these ex-spouses have full careers and are successful on their own merits, they are vulnerable to believing that they can change their narcissistic husband. A few narcissists participate in "let's pretend therapy." They have no intention of making any changes (after all they are perfect). They want to control the marital relationship for specific reasons. If the narcissist is affluent or wealthy he/she is unwilling to relinquish one scintilla of his pot of gold. In some scenarios, the narcissist is able to manipulate the psychotherapist to take his side. Some spouses report that the therapist suggested to the emotionally injured party that she was overreacting and making emotional mountains out of molehills. Being materially successful and having one's hands firmly on the levers of worldly power has become more important in current society than having a great character. There has been a sea change in the last several decades in societal values. There is a mutual wink among many that conveys: "He's talented, successfully, important, indispensable." "Give him a break; he's only human." These excuses are being made for narcissistic individuals whose acts range from multiple sexual indiscretions to bonified felonies. The high level narcissist has a wealth of followers who hold to a blind faith and bond with these individuals and stand by them, regardless of their dark deeds or the irreparable harm they cause others.

Another prevalent attitude that easily lends itself to giving the high level narcissist a pass is that many of us don't want to be reminded of the past---it's too painful and messy. Past narcissistic parental conditioning can mortally wound a child but there are many among us who close ranks and say: "The past is over. We have to deal with the present; that's all we have."

There are no shortcuts to the truth---it is often beyond painful and messy. It can be devastating but it is the truth. As the spouse, ex-spouse, daughter, son, friend, colleague of a narcissist, stay solid in holding to and seeking the truth. As the narcissist remains rooted in delusion, you are moving forward seeking the truth as you grow and evolve. Visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissist---Living is Easy Without a Conscience

Think of how many times you have awakened at night with pricks of conscience interrupting your dreams. There are ranges of conscience from obsessively scrupulous to none at all. The latter is the narcissist who drives at warp speed, changes lanes frequently while he/she endangers others and gets away with it. A skilled narcissist can do almost anything he wants, particularly in our current societal love affair with celebrity adoration, material excess, lack of morality and ethics in every level and stripe of business, once esteemed professions and government. If you're a successful narcissist in the highest echelons of power, you call the shots. This means that you control the lives of others on a whim. Narcissists hire those who are loyal and often enslaved to them, who know the darkest secrets but keep their lips sealed, who provide sexual favors in exchange for power and material access. The narcissist sets his life up like a master chess player. With all of the pieces at his command., he jumps many moves ahead of any opponent--check mate!. One of the sharpest arrows in his quiver is the narcissist's lack of conscience. Without conscience he can plunge ahead with any manipulation or ruse--- private, professional, familial--- without the slightest concern of its psychological, emotional or monetary effects upon anyone but himself. Narcissists are calculating, venal and exploitive. They march toward ever-increasing sources of worldly power without a hint of concern about whom they are trampling. This accumulating body of victims includes their children. If the child of the narcissist does not fit into the mold created by his/her father, he is cast out of paradise. Some narcissistic parents don't acknowledge that their children even exist. They are left to swing in the fickle winds of fortune. The lack of conscience in the narcissist reveals itself in their numerous marriages and affairs. They often pick vulnerable partners who are emotionally dependent on them and willing to give their lives over to a professional exploiter. There are partners who cannot tolerate the narcissistic abuse but who are too terrified to leave the relationship. The narcissist exhibits no concern about these individuals---they are a burden, an albatross, a stale tainted possession that they must discard. The spurned partner if they are psychologically fragile may have a breakdown, flee to drugs and alcohol to ease the pain or become physically ill. The narcissist turns to one of his lieutenants and says the familiar words: "I don't care how you do it but get her out of here." Narcissists who have fathered children with a variety of women often "forget" their progeny and find ways to obstruct the laws that would protect their biological offspring. Frequently, the narcissist hides assets from those who have coupled with him in the past and finds clever ways to obstruct the law with the use of a small army of highly paid attorneys.

The best way to win with a narcissist is to know exactly who he or she is psychologically, inside and out. Doing your research on these complex and confounding personality disorders is very worthwhile. Don't underestimate your strengths, talents, ingenuity or character when you face a narcissist. Beneath it all, he/she is an empty coward who causes grave psychological harm. For more detailed information about the psychodynamics of the narcissistic personality, childhood origins, and how to prevail with the narcissist, visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers-New Year's Resolution

In this blog post I am addressing all of those who grew up with narcissistic parents, particularly a narcissistic mother. I frequently hear from these daughters who were trapped in the family wars and have the healing wounds to prove it. The narcissistic mother is without mercy and empathy. Those narcissistic mothers who give their daughters a lot of "attention" have their own selfish motives. They are creating the perfect child who will become the narcissistic supply for them the rest of their lives. Mother has modeled a living example of her superiority and perfection. When children are very young, their very existence and sense of reality depends on how they are treated and how they are conditioned by their parents. Narcissistic mothers often fuse psychologically with their young daughters. The little child is not allowed to breathe without turning to mother. She is encased in the emotional prison her mother has created. Mother's message: "As long as you do, think, feel, and achieve everything that I expect and demand of you, I will accept you and love you (on my terms.") "If you do not obey me, you will be discarded, punished beyond your endurance, and purposely alienated from your siblings and your father." The father in this scenario is often too mesmerized by the primal narcissistic mother to have a clue about the horrendous psychological damage his spouse is perpetrating on their child. Some of these spouses are like children themselves, dependent on the all-powerful narcissistic wife/mother who has emasculated them long ago.Some daughters of narcissistic mothers become narcissists---miniatures of the pathological mother. Other daughters suffer throughout childhood , always out of step with the cruel manipulations of their narcissistic mothers. They pay a heavy price for their unwillingness to go along with mother's pathological child raising recipe. Some of these daughters tell me that they spent most of their childhood learning how to become invisible. They hid in their room, reading, listening to music. As they got older, they were away from the house as much as possible, visiting friends, sitting in public libraries, going to movies alone or just wandering around by themselves, doing anything to avoid mother--the fire tongued dragon blocking the cave's entrance. These daughters often leave home permanently as soon as they can. Some find solace, mental freedom and emotional breathing space in college. Other daughters marry early to escape further abuse. Some become entangled in a maze of substance abuse and dysfunctional relationships with men. Quite often these daughters marry narcissistic men and discover they are repeating with them the entrenched familiar psychological cycles and patterns of their family of origin--moving from narcissistic mother to narcissistic spouse. If you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother---you have survived a very difficult journey. Give yourself love and credit for the fine woman you have become despite all the odds. As you look forward to the year ahead and all of those to follow, take stock, embrace and celebrate the individual you have become and are becoming every moment. Visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Brother-Cock of the Walk

"Cock of the Walk" derives from the middle english, meaning a person who dominates others with his (her) overbearing manner. This describes many male narcissists who treat their brother(s) in humiliating and intimidating ways, constantly pouring vinegar into your open psychological wounds. Whether older or younger the narcissistic brother takes control of the household very early. He was always the attention getter, the One, the overwhelming presence. In many family scenarios he is mother or father's favorite. From the beginning he is not taught to be aware or sensitive to other's feelings. His parents give him the green light and tell him directly and indirectly that he is extraordinary Male siblings of narcissistic brothers describe their fear and trembling in the presence of their brother. Frequently, the parent(s) is unaware of the narcissist's manipulation of them and the other children in the family. The narcissistic brother is often a bully who routinely terrorizes his brothers and sisters. I hear these stories frequently from the narcissist's victims: "He was always cruel, made fun of me. " "He lied and told dad that I stole something or hit a kid at school. My brother is a bully, pure and simple." "He can get away with anything." The narcissistic brother will never stop abusing you. Narcissists are very unlikely to change. They are wildly rewarded for their grandiosity, extreme self confidence and for their cruel domination of others. I have heard first hand accounts of narcissistic brothers who turn treacherous and convince other family members that their brother is mentally and psychologically unstable. Often these brothers become the executors of the family estate, especially if there are large assets involved. They pretend to be attentive to the living mother or father for the purpose of brainwashing them into controlling the will and the trusts. Narcissistic brothers get a perverse joy from digging at their siblings. They demean and humiliate their brother, embarrassing them in public or among other family members and friends. They take joy in inducing wounds--they are mercilessly sadistic, even treacherous. When you tell others about your narcissistic brother, don't be surprised if you are not believed. Many people live in delusion, never wanting to face what is darkest in another because they cannot face their own psychological shadows. In many cases the targeted brother must make a move to sever his ties with his toxic family member. Painful as this action can be, it is an opportunity for the once victimized sibling to break free from this narcissist and assert and celebrate his unique identity. For many this represents a personal transformation, a great victory! Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.Telephone ConsultationEmail: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Come Out of the Narcissist's Shadow-Live in Light

When we have been in darkness for a long time, like blindfolded prisoners, and come into the light of day, our eyes ache and protest with pain. We have become accustomed to the dark. With time our eyes and our entire being celebrate that we now live in full light where we belong.
This metaphor applies to those who are and have shared their lives with narcissistic spouses. Deluded by their magnetic image, our belief that we are special to them and their innumerable empty promises, many women and men become their willing psychological prisoners. They have taken the irresistible bait, drunk the potion of the narcissist’s grand delusion.
For many spouses of narcissist, the thought of living without him or her is intolerable. Our minds run through all the what ifs: “If I had been more patient with him, had loved him more, we would still be together.” “I needed to understand him/her better and forgive. Then our marriage would have worked.” “Why didn’t I change? There is something seriously the matter with me. I am to blame for the breakup of our marriage.” It is true that there is something the matter with all of us. We all carry within us a certain level of psychopathology. But that doesn’t mean that we must remain imprisoned in a narcissistic relationship that is making us emotionally, psychologically and physically ill and destroying our chances of using our creative potential and entitlement to inner peace.
Often the narcissistic spouse provides the opening. After years of womanizing and leading a double or triple life the narcissist flatly announces that the marriage is over; he/she has found someone whom he loves and is severing the marriage immediately. This comes as a mortal blow to many partners. At first living without the narcissist we feel a painful void. For others it is a relief—the end of a battle royale that has been waged for decades. For these individuals is like finding an oasis in a scorching desert.
After separation and divorce the opportunity for moving toward the light of a different consciousness and self identity becomes clearer and compelling. For the first time those married to narcissists can take a full psychological breath. No one is looking over their shoulder, criticizing each move, manipulating and intimidating them at every turn. Facing the light is both a psychological cleansing and a healing. New thoughts arise, hope’s tendrils grow inside, creative momentum gains speed, the reawakening of the authentic self provides us with feelings of emotional solidity and optimism. The healing waters of life are flowing fully through us. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenracissistinyourlife

The Narcissistic Couple-What a Match

At this time of maximum societal narcissism, we frequently encounter the narcissistic power couple. They inhabit enviable images--beauty, handsomeness, monetary,societal and worldly power. They appear on every stage: politics, entertainment, high tech, philanthropy, the arts, biotech, medicine, law. Narcissistic couples at their peak are sought after by those who crave to be part of their privileged circle. Many of these narcissistic individuals are highly educated, scientifically talented, entrepreneurs and prominent business leaders. The high level narcissist (who today is usually a man although high level narcissistic women are becoming more prevalent) chooses a mate who shares his goals and values. This is the "perfect couple" from a narcissistic perspective. By design these two narcissists join forces with their extreme grandiosity, displays of superiority and feelings of entitlement to climb the heights of power and influence together. The image that they create as a couple is essential to their success. The most common scenario is for a high level male narcissist to marry a lower level narcissistic spouse who mirrors his perfection at the same time that she enjoys all of the narcissistic supplies that flow through her mate. She shares his opulent lifestyle. For a narcissistic spouse, the opportunity to life at such a heady level is irresistible. The female spouse believes that in sharing the limelight with her partner, she is as powerful as he. Followers of the narcissistic couple treat these individuals as rarefied beings. With their acquiescent and worshipful attitudes and behaviors, they are saying that this couple is set aside from other human beings and deserve to be treated like royalty. The underside of this narcissistic coupling is the reverse of the cleverly designed outer package. The dominant narcissistic partner believes and acts as it he owns his mate. She is his possession and cannot take a step without his approval. Often the high level narcissistic engages in myriad acts of infidelity (This is part of his lifestyle). As a concession to his lower level narcissistic spouse, he offers monetary and expensive acquisitions to keep her quiet and to retain the image of a perfect union. The narcissistic female spouse does not possess the high level of over-confidence and self entitlement of her mate. As a result she gets her ego needs met through the rewards that flow through the narcissistic husband. This gender difference is reversed when we are dealing with a high level female narcissistic spouse. The ranks of high level female narcissists are growing. The underside of the relationship of the narcissistic couple is ugly, ruthless, parasitic, often treacherous. The lower level narcissistic spouse in some cases demands large sums of money and platinum card life style access in exchange for ignoring her husband's countless affairs and peccadilloes. A deal is struck: " In exchange for your silence and continued support of our impeccable and powerful public image, I am giving you the sum of ----------dollars (stocks, property, gems are included in the deal) to fulfill your obligation to me to be discreet and loyal. For many narcissistic spouses under the yoke of the high level narcissistic spouse, this is the key to remaining in the "relationship." Some narcissistic couples hold their "deals" together. In other instances the high level narcissist discards his partner and acquires a youthful (often several decades younger than himself), physically gorgeous, socially and financially connected woman with whom he can pursue even headier reaches of limitless power, wealth and business and social influence. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.Telephone ConsultationEmail: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
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Protect Your Children from Your Narcissistic Spouse

The above title is much easier said than done. I have had a number of communications with spouses particularly women (male narcissists still outnumber female narcissists) who are married to narcissistic men and are terrified that their children are becoming narcissistic as a result of being partially raised by a narcissist. In some instances, particularly if the child is now in early adulthood, it has become evident that he or she has many of the characterlogical traits of the narcissistic parent: lack of empathy, self absorption, extreme self entitlement, selfishness, a craving and drive to win despite the consequences to others, including family members. I am speaking about this because some of those who will be reading this post have younger children or plan to have children with a man or woman whom they know is a narcissist. If this is true about what you now know about your partner, think carefully about pursuing a marriage to a person who will adversely affect the character and entire life experience of your child.
In the news every day we watch the dramas played out by famous narcissists---sports figures, entertainers, politicians, business magnates--acting out in sex scandals, money schemes and all matter of human debacle. There is a clear difference and point of decision for those who are part of the narcissistic couple who have children and the ones who don't. I hear too often the cry: what am I going to do now? "My child has sided with my narcissistic husband and won't communicate with me." My daughter says: "Life is easier with him. He doesn't boss me around and try to control me. He spends a lot of time with his girlfriends and let's me do what I want." What kind of upbringing is this? When children enter the picture, life changes forever. We can make decisions now about whether to have children or not. This has been true for a number of decades. Some spouses of narcissists are not aware of their partner's severe personality disorder until they have children. Many spouses blame the budding narcissistic traits of their children on themselves.
This is a complex matter. The first step is to inform yourself fully about the narcissistic personality disorder whether you are married or unmarried, have children or don't. Then you will understand who and what you are dealing with when you encounter one of these individuals. For detailed information and support, read my blog, listen to my podcasts (blog.thenarcissistinyourlife.com) and visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi