Narcissists Have No Reason To Change

From his point of view the narcissist experiences himself/herself as a living work of art, a perfect replica of an extraordinary human being, The flaws, frailties and failures belong to others. The narcissist looks down on everyone,---his spouses, siblings, children, colleagues, "best" friends. High level narcissists, those who live in the rarefied air of celebrity and high visibility and influence,are venerated by their circles of admirers. They are making lots of money, receiving an abundance of praise and adulation. they are sought after as special individuals. I frequently speak with ex-spouses of narcissists, mainly women (a few men) who continue to blame themselves for a failed marriage. Some of them know that their husband was a narcissist and were victims of his cruel malignant games and betrayals and yet they are incapable of letting go. For some, it is the lifestyle. Even though most of these ex-spouses have full careers and are successful on their own merits, they are vulnerable to believing that they can change their narcissistic husband. A few narcissists participate in "let's pretend therapy." They have no intention of making any changes (after all they are perfect). They want to control the marital relationship for specific reasons. If the narcissist is affluent or wealthy he/she is unwilling to relinquish one scintilla of his pot of gold. In some scenarios, the narcissist is able to manipulate the psychotherapist to take his side. Some spouses report that the therapist suggested to the emotionally injured party that she was overreacting and making emotional mountains out of molehills. Being materially successful and having one's hands firmly on the levers of worldly power has become more important in current society than having a great character. There has been a sea change in the last several decades in societal values. There is a mutual wink among many that conveys: "He's talented, successfully, important, indispensable." "Give him a break; he's only human." These excuses are being made for narcissistic individuals whose acts range from multiple sexual indiscretions to bonified felonies. The high level narcissist has a wealth of followers who hold to a blind faith and bond with these individuals and stand by them, regardless of their dark deeds or the irreparable harm they cause others.

Another prevalent attitude that easily lends itself to giving the high level narcissist a pass is that many of us don't want to be reminded of the past---it's too painful and messy. Past narcissistic parental conditioning can mortally wound a child but there are many among us who close ranks and say: "The past is over. We have to deal with the present; that's all we have."

There are no shortcuts to the truth---it is often beyond painful and messy. It can be devastating but it is the truth. As the spouse, ex-spouse, daughter, son, friend, colleague of a narcissist, stay solid in holding to and seeking the truth. As the narcissist remains rooted in delusion, you are moving forward seeking the truth as you grow and evolve. Visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com