Come Out of the Narcissist's Shadow-Live in Light

When we have been in darkness for a long time, like blindfolded prisoners, and come into the light of day, our eyes ache and protest with pain. We have become accustomed to the dark. With time our eyes and our entire being celebrate that we now live in full light where we belong.
This metaphor applies to those who are and have shared their lives with narcissistic spouses. Deluded by their magnetic image, our belief that we are special to them and their innumerable empty promises, many women and men become their willing psychological prisoners. They have taken the irresistible bait, drunk the potion of the narcissist’s grand delusion.
For many spouses of narcissist, the thought of living without him or her is intolerable. Our minds run through all the what ifs: “If I had been more patient with him, had loved him more, we would still be together.” “I needed to understand him/her better and forgive. Then our marriage would have worked.” “Why didn’t I change? There is something seriously the matter with me. I am to blame for the breakup of our marriage.” It is true that there is something the matter with all of us. We all carry within us a certain level of psychopathology. But that doesn’t mean that we must remain imprisoned in a narcissistic relationship that is making us emotionally, psychologically and physically ill and destroying our chances of using our creative potential and entitlement to inner peace.
Often the narcissistic spouse provides the opening. After years of womanizing and leading a double or triple life the narcissist flatly announces that the marriage is over; he/she has found someone whom he loves and is severing the marriage immediately. This comes as a mortal blow to many partners. At first living without the narcissist we feel a painful void. For others it is a relief—the end of a battle royale that has been waged for decades. For these individuals is like finding an oasis in a scorching desert.
After separation and divorce the opportunity for moving toward the light of a different consciousness and self identity becomes clearer and compelling. For the first time those married to narcissists can take a full psychological breath. No one is looking over their shoulder, criticizing each move, manipulating and intimidating them at every turn. Facing the light is both a psychological cleansing and a healing. New thoughts arise, hope’s tendrils grow inside, creative momentum gains speed, the reawakening of the authentic self provides us with feelings of emotional solidity and optimism. The healing waters of life are flowing fully through us. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenracissistinyourlife

The Narcissistic Couple-What a Match

At this time of maximum societal narcissism, we frequently encounter the narcissistic power couple. They inhabit enviable images--beauty, handsomeness, monetary,societal and worldly power. They appear on every stage: politics, entertainment, high tech, philanthropy, the arts, biotech, medicine, law. Narcissistic couples at their peak are sought after by those who crave to be part of their privileged circle. Many of these narcissistic individuals are highly educated, scientifically talented, entrepreneurs and prominent business leaders. The high level narcissist (who today is usually a man although high level narcissistic women are becoming more prevalent) chooses a mate who shares his goals and values. This is the "perfect couple" from a narcissistic perspective. By design these two narcissists join forces with their extreme grandiosity, displays of superiority and feelings of entitlement to climb the heights of power and influence together. The image that they create as a couple is essential to their success. The most common scenario is for a high level male narcissist to marry a lower level narcissistic spouse who mirrors his perfection at the same time that she enjoys all of the narcissistic supplies that flow through her mate. She shares his opulent lifestyle. For a narcissistic spouse, the opportunity to life at such a heady level is irresistible. The female spouse believes that in sharing the limelight with her partner, she is as powerful as he. Followers of the narcissistic couple treat these individuals as rarefied beings. With their acquiescent and worshipful attitudes and behaviors, they are saying that this couple is set aside from other human beings and deserve to be treated like royalty. The underside of this narcissistic coupling is the reverse of the cleverly designed outer package. The dominant narcissistic partner believes and acts as it he owns his mate. She is his possession and cannot take a step without his approval. Often the high level narcissistic engages in myriad acts of infidelity (This is part of his lifestyle). As a concession to his lower level narcissistic spouse, he offers monetary and expensive acquisitions to keep her quiet and to retain the image of a perfect union. The narcissistic female spouse does not possess the high level of over-confidence and self entitlement of her mate. As a result she gets her ego needs met through the rewards that flow through the narcissistic husband. This gender difference is reversed when we are dealing with a high level female narcissistic spouse. The ranks of high level female narcissists are growing. The underside of the relationship of the narcissistic couple is ugly, ruthless, parasitic, often treacherous. The lower level narcissistic spouse in some cases demands large sums of money and platinum card life style access in exchange for ignoring her husband's countless affairs and peccadilloes. A deal is struck: " In exchange for your silence and continued support of our impeccable and powerful public image, I am giving you the sum of ----------dollars (stocks, property, gems are included in the deal) to fulfill your obligation to me to be discreet and loyal. For many narcissistic spouses under the yoke of the high level narcissistic spouse, this is the key to remaining in the "relationship." Some narcissistic couples hold their "deals" together. In other instances the high level narcissist discards his partner and acquires a youthful (often several decades younger than himself), physically gorgeous, socially and financially connected woman with whom he can pursue even headier reaches of limitless power, wealth and business and social influence. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.Telephone ConsultationEmail: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi

Protect Your Children from Your Narcissistic Spouse

The above title is much easier said than done. I have had a number of communications with spouses particularly women (male narcissists still outnumber female narcissists) who are married to narcissistic men and are terrified that their children are becoming narcissistic as a result of being partially raised by a narcissist. In some instances, particularly if the child is now in early adulthood, it has become evident that he or she has many of the characterlogical traits of the narcissistic parent: lack of empathy, self absorption, extreme self entitlement, selfishness, a craving and drive to win despite the consequences to others, including family members. I am speaking about this because some of those who will be reading this post have younger children or plan to have children with a man or woman whom they know is a narcissist. If this is true about what you now know about your partner, think carefully about pursuing a marriage to a person who will adversely affect the character and entire life experience of your child.
In the news every day we watch the dramas played out by famous narcissists---sports figures, entertainers, politicians, business magnates--acting out in sex scandals, money schemes and all matter of human debacle. There is a clear difference and point of decision for those who are part of the narcissistic couple who have children and the ones who don't. I hear too often the cry: what am I going to do now? "My child has sided with my narcissistic husband and won't communicate with me." My daughter says: "Life is easier with him. He doesn't boss me around and try to control me. He spends a lot of time with his girlfriends and let's me do what I want." What kind of upbringing is this? When children enter the picture, life changes forever. We can make decisions now about whether to have children or not. This has been true for a number of decades. Some spouses of narcissists are not aware of their partner's severe personality disorder until they have children. Many spouses blame the budding narcissistic traits of their children on themselves.
This is a complex matter. The first step is to inform yourself fully about the narcissistic personality disorder whether you are married or unmarried, have children or don't. Then you will understand who and what you are dealing with when you encounter one of these individuals. For detailed information and support, read my blog, listen to my podcasts (blog.thenarcissistinyourlife.com) and visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi

Healing from your Narcissistic Mother

The narcissistic mother can remain in our consciousness like an indelible imprint. Whenever we make life choices mother is there making demands and threats that we do it her way. The child of the narcissistic mother is a psychological prisoner. When we are very young and helpless, we must do what is necessary to survive. The daughter or son of a narcissistic mother is faced with emotional coldness from the beginning. Mother may be capable of putting on a good act and feigns affection and caring. Beneath this facade, she is resentful of her maternal role. If she must play the part of mother, everyone must bend to her will. The husband is often treated like another child or a small pet who fearfully obeys his master's commands. Children are thrown to the side or become the bit players in the narcissistic mother's large scale drama. They watch as she successfully manipulates everyone in her environment. When she can't do it smoothly, she uses her highly tuned verbal weapons and threats to tame those who could possibly get in her way. After all of the years of mother abuse, her children feel psychologically pummeled and exhausted. To move beyond survival they have to find ways to recognize their value and uniqueness as individuals. They may be the biological issue or have been adopted by mother but are distinct people who are very different from her. Psychological healing is a process, not a single event. There are no steps 1-10 that will get you swiftly to a destination on mapquest. The healing process takes place,one day at a time, one moment at a time. The first step is to know that healing is a natural part of being human. It is a gift of our humanity and of all of nature. Learn to honor and acknowledge the baby and small child within you. Become acquainted once more or for the first time with your senses and natural life rhythms. Babies are very wise. They know how to sleep and rest. They are magnificently spontaneous. They laugh, cry, move, giggle, gesticulate and articulate their needs, wishes and knowings. They do not feel ashamed about being themselves; they celebrate it. Watch their dancing eyes and broad toothless smiles. Listen to their gurgles and gleeful responses to the moment. Tap into this part of yourself. It is closer than you think. Some people find it helpful to write down what they are discovering about themselves. Choose a quiet period each day for meditation, journaling, repose, quiet thought. This time belongs to you "to be". This is not a period for "doing." Become comfortable with yourself in the act of "being." Recognize the talents that your mother forced you to hide because they did not bring her the narcissistic supplies she was demanding from you and that she envied and dismissed. Use your inner voice in activating these talents. Respect your perceptions. High quality psychotherapy helps many children of narcissistic mothers at a time when they can be receptive to this process. Trust your intuition---a key to healing. Celebrate your freedom from your narcissistic mother. Embrace your life, expand and deepen it. Give back the richness and fullness of your gifts to others. What is given with the open hand of the heart is returned many fold. Visit my website: www.thenracissistinyourlife.com Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.Telephone ConsultationEmail: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Cannot Be Your Friends

Narcissists often appear to be friendly. They are socially skilled and can be very articulate. With their confidence and glibness, the narcissist knows how to work a room and many individuals. One paradox of the narcissist is that he or she knows precisely how to manipulate and play people. At the same time they have no insight into themselves, no self wisdom. It is tempting to become friends with a high level narcissist who is very successful. If the narcissist favors us, he promises us a special position among his admirers.
Never believe anything the narcissist is telling you. Many people are fooled by the narcissist's larger than life dazzle, his success in the world and over the top lifestyle. There is a part of us that is drawn to people who are very successful; we want to be part of the grand show. When a narcissist wants to become your "friend" he or she long ago decided what your role would be in fulfilling his ego satisfactions.
In order to be a genuine friend, the two parties must be capable of empathy, the ability to project ourselves into how someone else is feeling; to put ourselves in someone else's place. The narcissist is completely lacking in this personality trait. Without empathy there can be no relationship and certainly no authentic friendship. To learn more about the psychodynamics of the narcissistic personality and how to deal with them successfully, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.comLinda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.Telephone ConsultationEmail: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi